One of Those Days

More of the same.  This back and forth/ push and pull of a merry go round is starting to get to me.  The plants are looking pale...  I have not shaved my legs in days.  My eyebrows look like a Frida Kahlo imitation and I have noticed I got a few grey hairs on my head recently.  I literally feel like I am spinning in circles.  The amount of things I look forward to at the end of a day are growing scarce.  


I was feeling like a broken hearted school girl because Marty stood me up today.  We had agreed to meet at the park as we have done a few times now.  I went there with Re-Run and my camera.  The sun went down on both of us.  I was sad.  Then I got mad.  I could kick myself for getting attached to a man.  Oh, and the one woman show thickens as I gaze at these hairy legs and bushy eyebrows and begin to justify his no-man-show by saying to myself.. “Well, just look at ya, Calamity.  No wonder he didn’t run to be by your side.”  It’s just one of those days.  I hate this internal dialogue.  Who is this bitch staring back at me, insulting me for less than shallow reasons?  

I think I will take a bath and shave... I’ll show her.

One of Those Days: chipped polish 

Clear Cool Calamity

Recent days have not only shown true colors... they have put them on a flag and waved them at full pole.  There are some days when I am calm and content with it all.  These are days when I am open and most likely end up learning something new or experiencing something at least.  Then there are days when every minute is a battle to get through.  Those days are the ones that exhaust me at times and enrage me at others.  I ride the fence afraid to fall to either side.  On good days, it is all interesting and I embrace my flaws readily along with attributes.  On bad days, I am trigger happy and find one reason or another to shoot myself down.  I am clear and cool and then I am Calamity fucking Jane.  That’s me... Clear, cool Calamity.

Clear Cool Calamity: cowgirl pinup

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!

It’s been a minute....    Actually it has been crazy busy lately and I have not had much time to do anything for myself.  But,  I’m here Now (ever read that book?)  hmmmm.  

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!: bones

A couple of things happened today as I was driving home.  First when I was in a school zone reciting proper french grammar, or at least attempting to do so,  A girl and her friends passed me in the sporty little car.  And... SHE FLIPPED ME OFF WITH HER LITTLE TEENAGE SKELETON HAND!  A girl who otherwise would have been cute.  My first reaction was to follow her until she stopped somewhere.  I did for a bit.  Haha, thinking I would have a talk with her.  That’s all, a talk.  Then I remembered how some of us were back then.  I never understood the rage of the road.  But I had one friend (won’t mention any names) who leaned toward the wilder side of things.  Ahhh, holy stupidity.... people can be such a disappointment sometimes.  It wouldn’t have been so abnoxious had we not been in a school zone.  It was 20mph and I was doing the speed limit.  When she and her little punk friends turned into a upper class neighborhood, blowing smoke out their windows, I drove on and satisfied my frustration with a split-second vision of kicking their asses (Kill Bill style).

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!: tracks

  


I suppose things have a way of balancing out though because about 5 minutes away from my humble abode,  I saw a hawk flying above the train tracks.  Again,  it was in slow motion (seemingly).  The pain in my shoulders vanished as I looked in the passenger seat and saw that Re-Run was staring out the window.  He didn’t growl or bark at the Hawk.  It was almost like they saw each other and were communicating.  It was.... PEACEFUL.  Their acceptance of one another quickly brought me back to the bigger picture and I felt ridiculous for fantasizing about kicking some teenage girl’s ass even if it was in Kill Bill Style!   

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!: the hawk

Snap, Capture, Pop

Seeing Marty has inspired me to pull out this old camera of Aunt Gaggy’s.  It’s small but heavy and still takes 35mm film.  Sure, I have a camera ap. on my fancy phone but this seems more appropriate in my search for a root system of my own. Like I have said before, I’m really not an artsy type.  I wouldn’t think of putting “photographer” on a business card or anything.  The funny thing is that when people see me with such a relic of a camera, they assume that I know more about it than I do. 

Snap, Capture, Pop: jon-michael the artist 

I do enjoy taking pictures with it and having to wait before seeing them.  There's just something more wondrous about the process of it than today’s typical digital-does-everything-for-you “process”.  It has become slightly therapeutic and perhaps gives me a peep hole into why artists become addicted to art.  It makes me think of Jon-Michael, my artsy baby brother... so misunderstood.  It must have been hard for him sometimes.  I realize that he is different than the over populated trendy artists who have also become very talented at marketing themselves.  He is attached to it like it is a baby without which life has no meaning.  It is not nearly the same as me “giving it a go” with this old 35mm.  I sure hope to visit with him soon.

I got some negatives back today....  here are a few from the first roll of Aunt Gaggy’s old camera.  HMMMM, I wonder what all that lady had up her sleeve.  Her gifts are ones that keep on giving.  

Snap, Capture, Pop: rain clouds?

Snap, Capture, Pop: coy

Snap, Capture, Pop: drying out

Snap, Capture, Pop: gun & rose

Snap, Capture, Pop: the door that leads up

Snap, Capture, Pop: sunset on the road

My Spirit Keeper

My Spirit Keeper: the view

Although I am certain that a thousand and one things happened today, there is one thing that trumps all of it.  Re-Run protected me!!!  We got a very angry canine in today.  I’m not sure what all she had gone through.  All I know is that she is the first dog to ever try and bite me.  She went a round with all the girls at work until I finally jumped in.  I thought I could win her over.  Man was I dead wrong.  The dog charged me while Re-Run was standing behind me.  Then before I knew it, Re-Run was in front of me growling with all her hair sticking up on her back.  The angry dog backed down and lied on her stomach whimpering.  I cannot get it out of my head.  After that, the gals and I were able to walk her back to a kennel.  No telling what she had gone through before meeting up with us.  She will get better in time I hope.  All day after that, it’s all we talked about.  I kept hugging Re-Run and she was getting up on her hind legs to hug me back.  I stuck close to her like glue.  To be honest, I was scared of an animal for the first time in my life.  I was truly frightened and if my Shawnodese, my Re-Run had not been there, it may have been a tragic turn in my future.

When I got back to the apartment, I finally did some research on the Spirit Keepers of the Medicine Wheel.  As it turns out, Shawnodese really is my Spirit Keeper according to my Birth Moon on the Wheel.  I remember some of what Kayla said about it.  But I could have sworn that Shawnodese was a wolf, not a coyote.  After some more research, I discovered that some tribes depicted it as a wolf and others as a coyote.  So I wasn’t completely malfunctioned in my memory.  I could go into extreme detail about all of this.  But that would take all night.  Let’s just say that it’s not silly at all like I thought it was when Kayla mentioned it in the past.  If you are interested, I suggest looking up stuff on working the Medicine Wheel.  I also know that there is a book by a man named Sun Bear that talks about this more extensively.  It’s another one of those given to me as a gift that I have hardly even opened.  Seriously, I should have been reading all these books years ago.  Better late than never I suppose.

On that note, I will step away from the computer screen and tend to my Protector, my companion, the keeper of my Spirit.  May tonight be full of rest!  I am thankful to Re-Run for her divine intervention.  I knew there was a special connection there. I am also thankful to everyone who has gifted books my way over the past decade.  The time has come for me to read them all! 

Exiting T.V. Land

Exiting T.V. Land: catching air

In an effort not to get sucked in by the tube, as Mom would say...  I stopped off at a different park where some kids skate sometimes.  It’s been a while since I have done that also... about as long as it has been since I watched T.V. for hours on end.  I have to say that watching a bunch of kids stubbornly try to catch air over and over again until they get it is a much healthier way to spend my time. 


Interestingly enough, “the guy from the snow cone stand” was there.  I really wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again.  He had an old school camera with him and was taking pictures.  Apparently, he wasn’t at all what I thought he was the very first moment I laid eyes on him.  Before he started talking to me that day, I thought he was your typical frat-boy type.  I remembered being surprised by him that day as I was again today.  He told me that he skated every day when he was a kid and even competed in his teens.  Now he has a big job as some sort of consultant at a tech company in town.  I would go into detail if I comprehended what he did exactly.  Watching the kids skateboard helped him calm down.  He also had his dog with him.  The Timber wolf was quite apparent in the face and size of his companion.  Re-Run and he simply sat next to each other for the time that we were there.  His dog’s name is Jack and his name...(big drumroll) is Marty!!!!!  He will not be forever known as “the guy from the Snow Cone stand”!  No, he is Marty, marvelous Marty! We made a pack to meet there every once in a while!!!  Somehow, this excites me.  But I know that caution should be taken.  After all, we are really meeting so that the dogs can keep each other company.  Right?

Exiting T.V. Land

When Did Television Get Legs?

Watched T.V, for over 3 hours this evening...  I SWEAR I HAVE NOT DONE THAT SINCE I WAS A KID!!!  All I can say is, television is INSANE these days.  Perhaps it has always been a bit nutty.  But what I saw over the last 3 hours on that big picture box was absolutely, positively insane!!!  The commercials are twice as loud as the programs.  There was this one weird commercial for a bail bondsman,  some advertisements for workout equipment that should be rated x, and about a hundred previews for video games coming out.  Makes me appreciate my time spent outdoors and with non-cartoon characters.

When Did Television Get Legs?

Last Days of Summer For The School Kids

Last Days of Summer For The School Kids: the beach

Last Days of Summer For The School Kids

Ahhh, this is the time of year when you can almost hear the Sun sigh as she has been a brutally hard worker for months now.  I kind of like this time of year because it’s that time of year when Mom took us clothes shopping and school was about to start up again.  Football season is right around the corner and before you know it, people will be filling up bleachers and eating concession stand Nachos.  The dogs will soon get a break from these God-awful hot summer days.  My scooter rides will be cooler and from what I have learned recently, the stars will be clearer in the cool nights because air is more dense in the heat.


I’m feeling alright... content, you could even say.  I have gotten my fair share of exercise with the wolf-pack and a pair of roller blades, eaten my weight in New Orleans Snow Cones (but it’s mostly water so it did a body good).  The gals and I are planning another trip to Hope, TX. together and I am looking forward to it.

Last Days of Summer For The School Kids: blue dragonfly 

Re-Run in Dreamland

(Feel asleep a minute before midnight.. woke up around 3am and I cannot get back to sleep)

Re-Run and I are getting closer since our trip to Hope.  She seems to approve of me more. In a funny way I feel more present when I am home with her.  She is lying on my bed with me.  I wonder if she woke up when I did or if she has been keeping watch?  I miss those supposed deep levels of REM... stage 5 style.  Up until now I could probably have counted the dreams I remembered on my 2 hands and still have a couple  fingers left over.  I have compensated for the lack of vivid dreams over these last several days.  Honestly, I am entertained, sometimes haunted by the images throughout the day. 

I am thankful for Re-Run... my ever faithful companion.  I can never leave her because I know she will never leave me.  

Re-Run in Dreamland: her watchful eye

Looks like it’s lights out again as my eyelids are getting heavy.  Maybe I can get another hour in before it’s time to wake up again.

Breaking

I am taking a break...  because I am breaking.  I need a few days to figure out what I'm going to do.  This drama lately is trying to take me over and this weight on my chest is crushing me.


I keep having these dreams, nightmares...  I see Kayla and she's hurting.

Breaking: kayla is hurting

I'll be back in a few days.