November 21, 2009

The Want Defeats The Purpose

It’s been about a month without her.  Thoughts of her nearly trick me in fleeting moments... trick me into thinking she is still here with me.  But nobody is here.. nobody but me and my reflection and a flood of unexplainable dreams.  The girls at work don’t even seem to want me around on account of my sad presence....  This maddening solitude has made a few points to me.  The trend of only surrounding yourself with “good” energy is fine in theory.  But is it good energy to be selfish when those who are selfish are at war with themselves in the first place?  I am beginning to understand more of where my little brother is coming from.  Being “good” is not based on whether or not you follow some old guidelines or new progressive thought wave...  the want to be recognized as “good” defeats the very idea of it.  Unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy to open our eyes(for some of us).  The ones, like my brother, who are naturally tuned in are coming at it from the opposite side of this existance.  They are rare gems who we all feel justified in pushing out because they do not fit the criteria of the times.  It’s nonsense.  I know this now as I sit here with my heart in my hands in need of a little love with no one but my reflections to give it to me.  Nobody answers the phone now...  they just want to go out and have fun.  I suppose I, of all people, cannot fault them for that.  I have outgrown my surroundings or have suddenly realized that I never “fit” in.  I have to form a retreat for myself.  For no religious or political reasons, I will be exiting the accessible realm for a while.  Quiet time is to be taken out.  I have to find a center somehow before I can go on functioning.  I leave you for a short commercial free break with something I read out of yet another book given to me sometime ago.

Imagine a man or a group of people who, alone or together in a quiet place where no radio, no background music can be heard, simply sit for an hour or a half hour in silence.  They do not speak.  They do not pray aloud.  They do not have books or papers in their hands.  They are not reading or writing.  They are not busy with anything.  They simply enter into themselves, not in order to think in an analytical way, not in order to examine, organize, plan, but simply to BE.  They want to get themselves together in silence.  They want to synthesize, to integrate themselves, to rediscover themselves in a unity of thought, will, understanding, and love that goes beyond words, beyond analysis, even beyond conscious thought.
~T. Merton, Love and Living

November 11, 2009


I mourn for her.  I feel more alone than I have ever felt before.  I turn in every direction looking for comfort that’s not to be found.  I keep turning...... in circles.  I have become a classic record kept after warping just for the sake of being kept.  I stay in a sleeve ornate with lovely artwork.  The record stays there because it cannot get beyond a certain point and is doomed to repeat itself.  The repetition of it is descriptive of how I feel now.  I pace the floor without destination looking for my sweet Spirit keeper, for anything, for my SPIRIT.  Did I have one at all?  Is it something I have lost along the way.... or it is something I have yet to truly find?  I miss Re-Run.  I miss my baby brother.  I miss kayla.  I miss myself.  All I can do is take showers and cry.  Just opening the door to get outside of my rented space is a task.  Television turns me inside out with uncontrollable emotion.  Loneliness is a concept that lays on a dissecting table before me.

Loneliness: lonely, alone