October 30, 2009

Re-Run Is Gone

Re-Run Is Gone: RIP
This is the first day that I have been able to collect my thoughts in over a week.  My faithful companion has left this planet.  On October 20, Re-Run passed away.  We were playing in the park and a little girl had joined in.  Her mom was fascinated by how well her daughter was doing with a big dog like Re-Run.  Just when she began to explain that the little girl had been scared of all dogs up until now... The cute little girl was running for the ball toward the street.  The woman dropped her paperback and launched across the field after her little girl.  Re-Run was way ahead of Mama and I was running as fast as I could to signal the jeep I saw headed for her.  Re-Run knocked the little girl down and didn’t stop in time not to get hit herself.  I wasn’t fast enough either.  The driver of the jeep stopped and was all shook up.  The sweet mom was holding her little girl tightly.  She and I were shaking uncontrollably.  I looked at them and was glad that they were okay.  Then I looked at poor Re-Run looking up at me.  It did not seem real.  I kept waiting for her to get up and walk, run even.  I could not have gotten there any faster.  I racked my brains over it.  

Honestly, it is just now setting in and even as I write it....  my entire being is sickened, saddened, leaning towards denial.  She was my greatest friend here.  She had become my family here.  It hurts to let her go.  It tears me apart to wake up and not see her staring at me.  The girl in the jeep felt so bad about it.. she offered to help take us to the vet.  Without even thinking.. I loaded my Spirit Keeper into her jeep and gave the girl, Brittany, directions to the shelter.  I held Re-Run in my lap all the way there.  All of us were in tears by the end of the night when we realized there was little we could do.  I brought her back home and loved on her as much as possible.  The next day, Re-Run didn’t wake up.  She died next to me.  I have not been able to really talk much since that morning.  It plays over and over again in my mind.  The gals helped me bring her to my childhood home which now stands abandoned.  We gave her a proper burial in the backyard of my innocent days beneath the tree that once had our big rope swing hanging from it.

Rest in Peace Re-Run, keeper of my Spirit...  Thank you for your precious time.  Thank you for choosing me.   

Re-Run Is Gone: thank you for choosing me

October 08, 2009

Shape Shifting Roof-Top...

Another morning...  I woke up before the alarm sounded.  Another dark, quiet morning foreshadowed by yet another movie-like dream.  I lay my head down and the tape begins to roll.  There is no ticket line or purchase price.  There is not even the need to dress appropriately or put on shoes.  I just lie down and close my eyes.  Re-Run seems to have become the starlet of my midnight features.  Last night after all the lights went out, without noticing that I had fallen asleep...

I was standing on top of a roof. The shingles were aged and brittle laying out a pattern one could get lost in.  Re-Run was on the roof with me.  It was a well lit, perhaps full moon night with puffs of clouds in the sky.  We walked together on the never ending peak of the roof top.  There was an unspoken sense that we needed to stay on that straight line.  I looked down at either side descending at a gradual slant toward the ground below.  I noticed that the shingles had a brick-red tint to them.  When I picked my head back up, I saw Re-Run ahead of me, sitting gracefully.  Her eyes pierced mine.  At that moment, the roof tops all around me began to morph and shift shape until I was sliding on my belly away from her and toward the ground.  My heart began to beat so hard it produced a loud base sound that carried me more rapidly to the streets.  She was out of my sight and I was on the ground scared.
Shape Shifting Roof-Top: morphing 

With all that said...  I have never looked into it very much.  But this morning, I put my previous beliefs aside for a moment and googled “Dream Dictionary”.  My first keyword was roof.  It suggests that seeing a roof in your dream symbolizes a barrier between two states of consciousness and that you may be protecting your consciousness, mentality or beliefs.  To be on top of the roof symbolizes boundless success.  But falling off the roof suggests that you do not have a firm grip on your “advanced” position.  It does not mention anything about the roof morphing.  However it does point out that a leaking roof basically may mean that something is finally getting through to you or new information is revealing itself to you.

The dream and the suggested meaning of the things in the dream made me very happy to see Re-Run’s magestic face staring at me when I woke up today.

October 04, 2009

Recycled Dream Cans

A month has flown by.  I have yet to hear from Kayla.  Everything at work is basically the same.  I have not seen Marty again and am thinking of demoting him back to simply “that guy at the Snow Cone Stand”.  I spend most of my time with Re-Run and reading these books one by one.  I have started to have memorable dreams again.  I had one the night before last that feels more real than the hours when I am awake, sleep walking through the days.

~The dream was another about water.  Re-Run was in it also.  
Recycled Dream Cans: the dream

I was going out during the day to run errands, grocery shop etc.  I exited an apartment that was not mine in real life, but very much mine in the dream.  As I exited onto a city sidewalk with Re-Run in a cute little “happy” sundress, I locked the RED door and pushed my long hair off my shoulder.  

Recycled Dream Cans: the red door
When I had locked the door, I turned around to find myself neck-deep in water.  The city was suddenly flooded.  I grabbed Re-Run and we treaded water together.  Buildings began to fall down around us.  We found refuge occasionally on top of the parked cars (they hadn’t moved at all).  Small metal cans floated by us.   They could have been soda cans or dogfood cans.. I’m not sure.  We kept treading water, my arm wrapped around my spirit keeper, keeping our heads just above water.  After a long struggle, a non-threatening current swept us down the street and into a totally different scene.  I saw a raised island of land with a big tree on it.  We swam for it.  I was still carrying Re-Run when we got to the sliver of land.  I had finally found dry land.  Then just as I was about to put her down, I noticed a brightly colored, oversized scorpion on the extruding roots at the base of the tree.  I thought.. “please move to the other side of the roots so we can share”.  As if hearing my thoughts, the scorpion moved to the other side and disappeared into the underbelly of the roots.  I put Re-Run down and then sat beside her against the tree.  We watched as the waves rolled by.  

Instead of being relieved completely to have found a safe spot,  there was a distinct feeling of sadness that lingered even after I woke up.

October 02, 2009

What Was Once Second Nature...

Breath in, Breath out. 
 Breath in , Breath out.
What Was Once Second Nature...: inkblot 
I have to remind myself to do the most simplistic things (things that should be second nature to a human being).  I can’t recall ever feeling like this before.  I understand the theories... the countless theories.  Still Theory is only theory.... in theory.  In other words,  we invented our own theories.  We wrote the rules and we followed them.  What happens when you begin to see the ridiculousness in the whole thing before the death bed?  I don’t really care about my un shaven legs and un-ruly eyebrows.  I am comforted and validated by the Hawk (who has made an appearance 5 days in a row now) and by Re-Run of course. 
What Was Once Second Nature...: I built myself a metal (flightless) bird
What would you call this?  What is my diagnosis says the little helpless girl to the behavorial therapist, to the followers of freud, the cognitive maniacs, the neurologists and the doctors waiting in line to make a bill?  They are just interior decorators. 

I’m out for now.....  
What Was Once Second Nature...: chained entrance