Re-Run Is Gone

Re-Run Is Gone: RIP

This is the first day that I have been able to collect my thoughts in over a week.  My faithful companion has left this planet.  On October 20, Re-Run passed away.  We were playing in the park and a little girl had joined in.  Her mom was fascinated by how well her daughter was doing with a big dog like Re-Run.  Just when she began to explain that the little girl had been scared of all dogs up until now... The cute little girl was running for the ball toward the street.  The woman dropped her paperback and launched across the field after her little girl.  Re-Run was way ahead of Mama and I was running as fast as I could to signal the jeep I saw headed for her.  Re-Run knocked the little girl down and didn’t stop in time not to get hit herself.  I wasn’t fast enough either.  The driver of the jeep stopped and was all shook up.  The sweet mom was holding her little girl tightly.  She and I were shaking uncontrollably.  I looked at them and was glad that they were okay.  Then I looked at poor Re-Run looking up at me.  It did not seem real.  I kept waiting for her to get up and walk, run even.  I could not have gotten there any faster.  I racked my brains over it.  




Honestly, it is just now setting in and even as I write it....  my entire being is sickened, saddened, leaning towards denial.  She was my greatest friend here.  She had become my family here.  It hurts to let her go.  It tears me apart to wake up and not see her staring at me.  The girl in the jeep felt so bad about it.. she offered to help take us to the vet.  Without even thinking.. I loaded my Spirit Keeper into her jeep and gave the girl, Brittany, directions to the shelter.  I held Re-Run in my lap all the way there.  All of us were in tears by the end of the night when we realized there was little we could do.  I brought her back home and loved on her as much as possible.  The next day, Re-Run didn’t wake up.  She died next to me.  I have not been able to really talk much since that morning.  It plays over and over again in my mind.  The gals helped me bring her to my childhood home which now stands abandoned.  We gave her a proper burial in the backyard of my innocent days beneath the tree that once had our big rope swing hanging from it.

Rest in Peace Re-Run, keeper of my Spirit...  Thank you for your precious time.  Thank you for choosing me.   

Re-Run Is Gone: thank you for choosing me

Shape Shifting Roof-Top...

Another morning...  I woke up before the alarm sounded.  Another dark, quiet morning foreshadowed by yet another movie-like dream.  I lay my head down and the tape begins to roll.  There is no ticket line or purchase price.  There is not even the need to dress appropriately or put on shoes.  I just lie down and close my eyes.  Re-Run seems to have become the starlet of my midnight features.  Last night after all the lights went out, without noticing that I had fallen asleep...

I was standing on top of a roof. The shingles were aged and brittle laying out a pattern one could get lost in.  Re-Run was on the roof with me.  It was a well lit, perhaps full moon night with puffs of clouds in the sky.  We walked together on the never ending peak of the roof top.  There was an unspoken sense that we needed to stay on that straight line.  I looked down at either side descending at a gradual slant toward the ground below.  I noticed that the shingles had a brick-red tint to them.  When I picked my head back up, I saw Re-Run ahead of me, sitting gracefully.  Her eyes pierced mine.  At that moment, the roof tops all around me began to morph and shift shape until I was sliding on my belly away from her and toward the ground.  My heart began to beat so hard it produced a loud base sound that carried me more rapidly to the streets.  She was out of my sight and I was on the ground scared.
                                   

Shape Shifting Roof-Top: morphing 

With all that said...  I have never looked into it very much.  But this morning, I put my previous beliefs aside for a moment and googled “Dream Dictionary”.  My first keyword was roof.  It suggests that seeing a roof in your dream symbolizes a barrier between two states of consciousness and that you may be protecting your consciousness, mentality or beliefs.  To be on top of the roof symbolizes boundless success.  But falling off the roof suggests that you do not have a firm grip on your “advanced” position.  It does not mention anything about the roof morphing.  However it does point out that a leaking roof basically may mean that something is finally getting through to you or new information is revealing itself to you.

The dream and the suggested meaning of the things in the dream made me very happy to see Re-Run’s magestic face staring at me when I woke up today.

Recycled Dream Cans

A month has flown by.  I have yet to hear from Kayla.  Everything at work is basically the same.  I have not seen Marty again and am thinking of demoting him back to simply “that guy at the Snow Cone Stand”.  I spend most of my time with Re-Run and reading these books one by one.  I have started to have memorable dreams again.  I had one the night before last that feels more real than the hours when I am awake, sleep walking through the days.

    ~The dream was another about water.  Re-Run was in it also.  

Recycled Dream Cans: the dream

    
“TREADING WATER IN THE CITY STREETS”

I was going out during the day to run errands, grocery shop etc.  I exited an apartment that was not mine in real life, but very much mine in the dream.  As I exited onto a city sidewalk with Re-Run in a cute little “happy” sundress, I locked the RED door and pushed my long hair off my shoulder.  

Recycled Dream Cans: the red door

When I had locked the door, I turned around to find myself neck-deep in water.  The city was suddenly flooded.  I grabbed Re-Run and we treaded water together.  Buildings began to fall down around us.  We found refuge occasionally on top of the parked cars (they hadn’t moved at all).  Small metal cans floated by us.   They could have been soda cans or dogfood cans.. I’m not sure.  We kept treading water, my arm wrapped around my spirit keeper, keeping our heads just above water.  After a long struggle, a non-threatening current swept us down the street and into a totally different scene.  I saw a raised island of land with a big tree on it.  We swam for it.  I was still carrying Re-Run when we got to the sliver of land.  I had finally found dry land.  Then just as I was about to put her down, I noticed a brightly colored, oversized scorpion on the extruding roots at the base of the tree.  I thought.. “please move to the other side of the roots so we can share”.  As if hearing my thoughts, the scorpion moved to the other side and disappeared into the underbelly of the roots.  I put Re-Run down and then sat beside her against the tree.  We watched as the waves rolled by.  


Instead of being relieved completely to have found a safe spot,  there was a distinct feeling of sadness that lingered even after I woke up.

What Was Once Second Nature...

Breath in, Breath out. 
 Breath in , Breath out.

What Was Once Second Nature...: inkblot 

I have to remind myself to do the most simplistic things (things that should be second nature to a human being).  I can’t recall ever feeling like this before.  I understand the theories... the countless theories.  Still Theory is only theory.... in theory.  In other words,  we invented our own theories.  We wrote the rules and we followed them.  What happens when you begin to see the ridiculousness in the whole thing before the death bed?  I don’t really care about my un shaven legs and un-ruly eyebrows.  I am comforted and validated by the Hawk (who has made an appearance 5 days in a row now) and by Re-Run of course. 

What Was Once Second Nature...: I built myself a metal (flightless) bird

What would you call this?  What is my diagnosis says the little helpless girl to the behavorial therapist, to the followers of freud, the cognitive maniacs, the neurologists and the doctors waiting in line to make a bill?  They are just interior decorators. 

I’m out for now.....  

What Was Once Second Nature...: chained entrance

One of Those Days

More of the same.  This back and forth/ push and pull of a merry go round is starting to get to me.  The plants are looking pale...  I have not shaved my legs in days.  My eyebrows look like a Frida Kahlo imitation and I have noticed I got a few grey hairs on my head recently.  I literally feel like I am spinning in circles.  The amount of things I look forward to at the end of a day are growing scarce.  


I was feeling like a broken hearted school girl because Marty stood me up today.  We had agreed to meet at the park as we have done a few times now.  I went there with Re-Run and my camera.  The sun went down on both of us.  I was sad.  Then I got mad.  I could kick myself for getting attached to a man.  Oh, and the one woman show thickens as I gaze at these hairy legs and bushy eyebrows and begin to justify his no-man-show by saying to myself.. “Well, just look at ya, Calamity.  No wonder he didn’t run to be by your side.”  It’s just one of those days.  I hate this internal dialogue.  Who is this bitch staring back at me, insulting me for less than shallow reasons?  

I think I will take a bath and shave... I’ll show her.

One of Those Days: chipped polish 

Clear Cool Calamity

Recent days have not only shown true colors... they have put them on a flag and waved them at full pole.  There are some days when I am calm and content with it all.  These are days when I am open and most likely end up learning something new or experiencing something at least.  Then there are days when every minute is a battle to get through.  Those days are the ones that exhaust me at times and enrage me at others.  I ride the fence afraid to fall to either side.  On good days, it is all interesting and I embrace my flaws readily along with attributes.  On bad days, I am trigger happy and find one reason or another to shoot myself down.  I am clear and cool and then I am Calamity fucking Jane.  That’s me... Clear, cool Calamity.

Clear Cool Calamity: cowgirl pinup

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!

It’s been a minute....    Actually it has been crazy busy lately and I have not had much time to do anything for myself.  But,  I’m here Now (ever read that book?)  hmmmm.  

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!: bones

A couple of things happened today as I was driving home.  First when I was in a school zone reciting proper french grammar, or at least attempting to do so,  A girl and her friends passed me in the sporty little car.  And... SHE FLIPPED ME OFF WITH HER LITTLE TEENAGE SKELETON HAND!  A girl who otherwise would have been cute.  My first reaction was to follow her until she stopped somewhere.  I did for a bit.  Haha, thinking I would have a talk with her.  That’s all, a talk.  Then I remembered how some of us were back then.  I never understood the rage of the road.  But I had one friend (won’t mention any names) who leaned toward the wilder side of things.  Ahhh, holy stupidity.... people can be such a disappointment sometimes.  It wouldn’t have been so abnoxious had we not been in a school zone.  It was 20mph and I was doing the speed limit.  When she and her little punk friends turned into a upper class neighborhood, blowing smoke out their windows, I drove on and satisfied my frustration with a split-second vision of kicking their asses (Kill Bill style).

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!: tracks

  


I suppose things have a way of balancing out though because about 5 minutes away from my humble abode,  I saw a hawk flying above the train tracks.  Again,  it was in slow motion (seemingly).  The pain in my shoulders vanished as I looked in the passenger seat and saw that Re-Run was staring out the window.  He didn’t growl or bark at the Hawk.  It was almost like they saw each other and were communicating.  It was.... PEACEFUL.  Their acceptance of one another quickly brought me back to the bigger picture and I felt ridiculous for fantasizing about kicking some teenage girl’s ass even if it was in Kill Bill Style!   

Flip Off By A Teenage Skeleton Hand!: the hawk

Snap, Capture, Pop

Seeing Marty has inspired me to pull out this old camera of Aunt Gaggy’s.  It’s small but heavy and still takes 35mm film.  Sure, I have a camera ap. on my fancy phone but this seems more appropriate in my search for a root system of my own. Like I have said before, I’m really not an artsy type.  I wouldn’t think of putting “photographer” on a business card or anything.  The funny thing is that when people see me with such a relic of a camera, they assume that I know more about it than I do. 

Snap, Capture, Pop: jon-michael the artist 

I do enjoy taking pictures with it and having to wait before seeing them.  There's just something more wondrous about the process of it than today’s typical digital-does-everything-for-you “process”.  It has become slightly therapeutic and perhaps gives me a peep hole into why artists become addicted to art.  It makes me think of Jon-Michael, my artsy baby brother... so misunderstood.  It must have been hard for him sometimes.  I realize that he is different than the over populated trendy artists who have also become very talented at marketing themselves.  He is attached to it like it is a baby without which life has no meaning.  It is not nearly the same as me “giving it a go” with this old 35mm.  I sure hope to visit with him soon.

I got some negatives back today....  here are a few from the first roll of Aunt Gaggy’s old camera.  HMMMM, I wonder what all that lady had up her sleeve.  Her gifts are ones that keep on giving.  

Snap, Capture, Pop: rain clouds?

Snap, Capture, Pop: coy

Snap, Capture, Pop: drying out

Snap, Capture, Pop: gun & rose

Snap, Capture, Pop: the door that leads up

Snap, Capture, Pop: sunset on the road

My Spirit Keeper

My Spirit Keeper: the view

Although I am certain that a thousand and one things happened today, there is one thing that trumps all of it.  Re-Run protected me!!!  We got a very angry canine in today.  I’m not sure what all she had gone through.  All I know is that she is the first dog to ever try and bite me.  She went a round with all the girls at work until I finally jumped in.  I thought I could win her over.  Man was I dead wrong.  The dog charged me while Re-Run was standing behind me.  Then before I knew it, Re-Run was in front of me growling with all her hair sticking up on her back.  The angry dog backed down and lied on her stomach whimpering.  I cannot get it out of my head.  After that, the gals and I were able to walk her back to a kennel.  No telling what she had gone through before meeting up with us.  She will get better in time I hope.  All day after that, it’s all we talked about.  I kept hugging Re-Run and she was getting up on her hind legs to hug me back.  I stuck close to her like glue.  To be honest, I was scared of an animal for the first time in my life.  I was truly frightened and if my Shawnodese, my Re-Run had not been there, it may have been a tragic turn in my future.

When I got back to the apartment, I finally did some research on the Spirit Keepers of the Medicine Wheel.  As it turns out, Shawnodese really is my Spirit Keeper according to my Birth Moon on the Wheel.  I remember some of what Kayla said about it.  But I could have sworn that Shawnodese was a wolf, not a coyote.  After some more research, I discovered that some tribes depicted it as a wolf and others as a coyote.  So I wasn’t completely malfunctioned in my memory.  I could go into extreme detail about all of this.  But that would take all night.  Let’s just say that it’s not silly at all like I thought it was when Kayla mentioned it in the past.  If you are interested, I suggest looking up stuff on working the Medicine Wheel.  I also know that there is a book by a man named Sun Bear that talks about this more extensively.  It’s another one of those given to me as a gift that I have hardly even opened.  Seriously, I should have been reading all these books years ago.  Better late than never I suppose.

On that note, I will step away from the computer screen and tend to my Protector, my companion, the keeper of my Spirit.  May tonight be full of rest!  I am thankful to Re-Run for her divine intervention.  I knew there was a special connection there. I am also thankful to everyone who has gifted books my way over the past decade.  The time has come for me to read them all! 

Exiting T.V. Land

Exiting T.V. Land: catching air

In an effort not to get sucked in by the tube, as Mom would say...  I stopped off at a different park where some kids skate sometimes.  It’s been a while since I have done that also... about as long as it has been since I watched T.V. for hours on end.  I have to say that watching a bunch of kids stubbornly try to catch air over and over again until they get it is a much healthier way to spend my time. 


Interestingly enough, “the guy from the snow cone stand” was there.  I really wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again.  He had an old school camera with him and was taking pictures.  Apparently, he wasn’t at all what I thought he was the very first moment I laid eyes on him.  Before he started talking to me that day, I thought he was your typical frat-boy type.  I remembered being surprised by him that day as I was again today.  He told me that he skated every day when he was a kid and even competed in his teens.  Now he has a big job as some sort of consultant at a tech company in town.  I would go into detail if I comprehended what he did exactly.  Watching the kids skateboard helped him calm down.  He also had his dog with him.  The Timber wolf was quite apparent in the face and size of his companion.  Re-Run and he simply sat next to each other for the time that we were there.  His dog’s name is Jack and his name...(big drumroll) is Marty!!!!!  He will not be forever known as “the guy from the Snow Cone stand”!  No, he is Marty, marvelous Marty! We made a pack to meet there every once in a while!!!  Somehow, this excites me.  But I know that caution should be taken.  After all, we are really meeting so that the dogs can keep each other company.  Right?

Exiting T.V. Land